Bittersweet Memory

Today is a bittersweet day. A part of me thinks I should keep this date in mind and another wants to erase it from my memory. One year ago today, I took an overdose of 2 very heavy narcotic medications. I am told that my family was advised I may not survive and if I did my quality of life was gone. My kidneys were shutting down and I was in the ICU. So why did I take the pills? Was I trying to end my life? Subconsciously, maybe. I was depressed. I felt all alone, my marriage was doomed and I felt I had lost my daughter. I felt like I was no longer needed or wanted. Conscientiously, I just wanted to go to sleep (a very sound sleep) and not feel anything for a while. Luckily, I was found the next morning and rushed to the hospital and survived.
But it is a bittersweet memory. I don't want to remember that day but on the other hand, it is because of this day that I am where I am today. It made me examine my life and realize that I needed to make some changes. I needed to get out of the marriage. I needed to gain my daughter back and go on with my life. This day was somewhat of a turning point for me. It gave me the courage to make the changes that I needed to make. I realized that no matter what my daughters needed me and I have to continue to fight for them. I gained hope and determination for my future. I am thankful tonight that God spared me and chose to give me another chance at life. 

Sticks and Stones...Truth or lie?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me. We have all heard this saying. I did some research and it has been around since March 1862. But I think it is the biggest lie I was ever told growing up. Words hurt, they destroy. I remember as a child getting picked on. Of course my mom would say they pick on you because they like you.(Yeah, Right) I think I was the poster child for bullying. I provided the bullies with ever reason they needed to tease me. I was overweight. I wore glasses. I had braces. I was quiet and shy. I was smart (nerd material). I was picked on all the time. I think that is why I enjoyed reading so much. I could disappear in my mind to another world and didn't have to feel the hurt anymore. Even in adulthood, I have suffered at the hands of words. I suffered immensely from mental and emotional abuse. I don't condone any form of abuse but I think I would much rather face physical abuse then the mental. Bruises heal and go away. The words play over and over in my head. My self-esteem has been battered so many times that I wonder how I am able to hold my head up at all. One thing that I hate with Bipolar is the continuous racing of the mind. I don't care how much medication you give me, nothing will stop it. Have I learned how to control it some? Of course but sometimes the tapes of past verbal abuse play over and over like a broken record. I guess my point is that I wish people would stop and think about how damaging words can be. The person bullying goes on after teasing but for the person being teased... it can be a lifetime of hearing the torment over and over. For example, when I was about 13, A guy in the neighborhood decided to pick me as his target of the day. He decided that he was going to come up with a name for me with EVERY letter of the alphabet. Trust me they were not nice names at all. He began with A for annoying...B for bi***.. C for chunky.. and so on!! Well it may have been  29 years ago but I will never be able to count how many times this list has played over in my head.. I remember the whole alphabet. The guy probably has no clue the hurt that he caused. When the depressed side of my Bipolar kicks in, I have a hard time keeping these hurtful sayings out of my head. I have worked hard to counteract them with positive self-talk but it isn't easy... Please I am begging everyone. Take a moment and think before you speak. You may not even know how much damage you are doing. I think we need to change the saying to this: 

Angels Among Us

I mentioned in my first post that I had to write an essay for a scholarship. It had to be about what I am most grateful for in my life. Well I have decided to share it with everyone. I especially hope that it will reach my "angels" and they will know how much I appreciate them.. Here is the essay:

Angels Among Us

How do you pinpoint one thing you are grateful for in your life? I could easily say my two precious daughters, my family or my friends. If I was writing this about 9 months ago, that would most certainly be my answer. But my life did a complete turn-around and now I am most grateful for so much more. Don’t get me wrong, my family and friends are still towards the top of my list.

This past June, I found courage and determination that I never contemplated that I possessed. I decided to escape my abusive marriage. I have never been more petrified in my life. I had nowhere to go, I had a very limited support system because my husband had isolated me for so long. I literally left with nothing but the clothes on mine and my daughter’s backs. We ended up in a battered women and children’s shelter. It sounds funny to say but this decision turned out to be the best one I have ever made in my life. The staff at the shelter helped me to get on my feet again. We were able to get our own place within six weeks. The advocates were there every step of the way.

But, how does one start out with nothing? No one can fathom the overwhelming feeling when you have to fill a home with all the basic needs from scratch. I had been controlled for so long; I didn’t know where to begin. This is where my gratefulness comes in my life now.

I will never be able to individually name or recall everyone that reached out to me. Friends, family, classmates, church members, organizations and mere strangers took me under their wings and helped me to learn to fly on my own again. I was able to obtain my own home. As I look around my home, there is no crook or cranny that I can look in that I do not see something that was given to us in order to make this house a home. My entire needs were met by donations and gifts. I was even provided groceries for our first month. I no longer had nothing.

I will never be able to repay the acts of kindness that I have been shown. The best thing I can do is pay it forward. These individuals will never know how a simple donation of a bathroom towel or silverware changed my life. I no longer live as a victim of domestic abuse but as a survivor. They have helped me gain my confidence back or I would never be able to be back in school and succeeding. I am sure they think they just provided for a household need but it is so much deeper than that.

The country music group Alabama sings a song called “Angels Among Us”. The lyrics say it all for me. The words talk about angels being among us and they come to us in our darkest hours in order to teach us how to live. The individuals that stepped into my life 9 months ago are my angels. They definitely came at my darkest hour and because of them I am living again. For this, I am forever grateful. So, at this point in my life, when asked what am I most grateful for in my life: my answer would most definitely have to be “My Angels”. My Angels were lifesaving answers to many of mine and my daughter's prayers.

Why a blog? Why Bipolar Express?

emotional roller coaster

So why am I attempting to write a blog? For a couple of reasons. I have 2 cousins that are doing them and they have inspired me. Secondly, I was working on an essay for school to try to win a scholarship. I had to write on what I was most grateful for in my life. It started me thinking hard over my life and the things I have to be grateful for.. the blessings that God has given me over my 41 years. So it caused me to really examine my life. I decided that I would attempt to write a blog and share my daily struggles with living with a mental illness specifically Bipolar Disorder.

I was diagnosed in 1999 with the Bipolar. At first this was a relief to finally have a name for all the feelings and emotions I had felt all through my younger years. But quickly, Bipolar became my enemy and destroyed so many aspects of my life. I don't believe I ever accepted the diagnosis at that time. I fought against it instead of working with it. I don't think I need to revisit all of my mistakes that I have made... Do I blame the Bipolar? Is that just an excuse for my behavior? I think that the Bipolar has made my mind wired crazily. It is like a constant battle of the wits in my brain.. kind of like the devil on one shoulder and angel on another. It is a war between my values, morals, and beliefs against the evil in my head. Is it an excuse.. no way would I choose to hurt the ones I love especially my daughters. I have always described my behaviors as a scene in the movie Ghost... it is when Patrick Swazey is standing over his body watching the whole scene unfold.. when I am manic and not in control.. this is what it feels like.. I am in the corner watching myself behave totally against my own beliefs. This has caused so much damage in my life.

In the beginning, I asked the typical WHY ME? question. I never could seem to come up with an answer. Now that I have come so far in my struggles, I ask WHY NOT ME? How can I turn this awful roll of the dice into something positive? I am learning to see the blessings in having a mental disorder. BLESSINGS? wow that seems funny to say.. but I have learned far more about myself than I probably ever would have. I have found strength and courage that I never knew I could muster up. I have gained a stronger relationship with God because when all else had failed me, He never did. I have people in my life that I would have never given a second glance at nor befriended them. So there are blessings in this curse.

Have I learned things the hard way? Most definitely. Mom says I always do things the hard way and boy is she right!! I take the long road to get to where I need to be.. So where am I now on my emotional roller coaster? I am on the way to a high peak. I have surrendered to the fact that I have to take a cocktail of medications everyday (it took years to find the right combo). I know that I have to attend therapy and medication assessments regularly. I also attend a group therapy. I have become stronger. I have eliminated the negativity out of my life. I set goals and I am reaching them. 

Can I do this alone? NO WAY!! I have a fantastic support system. My family is awesome, I have the relationships back that my disorder and I had destroyed (some of them are better than they ever were). I have some of the best close friends I could ever ask for. My church has been my rock and held me up when I thought I could no longer fight the fight. They taught me how to hold on and the power of prayer. I have many friends from my life group at Faith Assembly that words will never be able to express all they have done.Of course, my daughters give me reason to get up every day and to not give in. I have the best therapist I have ever had, she gives me the tough-love I need (even homework..lol). We set goals and she pushes me to reach them. I have been able to pour out my heart to her like no one else I have ever worked with. Lastly, One of the biggest blessings I have received from having bipolar is the chance to meet some of the most fantastic ladies that are in my group therapy. This small group of woman fast became my friends. It is so nice to be able to share things with people that can relate.. they have been there, done that, and have the t-shirt..lol Everyone can say they understand but you cant fully if you haven't experienced it.. these girls have watched me grow so much in my bipolar journey. they have been there every step of the way: cheering, supporting, crying, and sometimes scolding me. I am where I am today because of them.

Gosh, I didn't mean to write so much for my first post, I promise to be shorter from now on... But I do wnat to give you some thoughts on my title of my blog. My ex always put me down and discouraged me. He would say he was tired of riding the Bipolar Express. It would hurt when he said this. Trust me I would love to get off lots of times. However, now I think it is fitting. My life is a journey of ups and downs. Constant mood changes. Meds help but not always.. it takes allot of mind control. Poor decisions have made for many curves and slopes in the journey. So I decided to use that as the title. I may be on the Express but I can control whether it is a positive fun ride or one from Hell. Right now I am enjoying the ride. I will let you decide whether the Bipolar Express is a train (heading for a train wreck sometimes) or is it a fancy name for a roller coaster. I think the roller coater is more fitting because of the many ups, downs, slopes, turns, and even the occasional upside downs. SO where will my roller coaster lead me next? One thing is for sure... NEVER BACKWARDS!!