Why a blog? Why Bipolar Express?

emotional roller coaster

So why am I attempting to write a blog? For a couple of reasons. I have 2 cousins that are doing them and they have inspired me. Secondly, I was working on an essay for school to try to win a scholarship. I had to write on what I was most grateful for in my life. It started me thinking hard over my life and the things I have to be grateful for.. the blessings that God has given me over my 41 years. So it caused me to really examine my life. I decided that I would attempt to write a blog and share my daily struggles with living with a mental illness specifically Bipolar Disorder.

I was diagnosed in 1999 with the Bipolar. At first this was a relief to finally have a name for all the feelings and emotions I had felt all through my younger years. But quickly, Bipolar became my enemy and destroyed so many aspects of my life. I don't believe I ever accepted the diagnosis at that time. I fought against it instead of working with it. I don't think I need to revisit all of my mistakes that I have made... Do I blame the Bipolar? Is that just an excuse for my behavior? I think that the Bipolar has made my mind wired crazily. It is like a constant battle of the wits in my brain.. kind of like the devil on one shoulder and angel on another. It is a war between my values, morals, and beliefs against the evil in my head. Is it an excuse.. no way would I choose to hurt the ones I love especially my daughters. I have always described my behaviors as a scene in the movie Ghost... it is when Patrick Swazey is standing over his body watching the whole scene unfold.. when I am manic and not in control.. this is what it feels like.. I am in the corner watching myself behave totally against my own beliefs. This has caused so much damage in my life.

In the beginning, I asked the typical WHY ME? question. I never could seem to come up with an answer. Now that I have come so far in my struggles, I ask WHY NOT ME? How can I turn this awful roll of the dice into something positive? I am learning to see the blessings in having a mental disorder. BLESSINGS? wow that seems funny to say.. but I have learned far more about myself than I probably ever would have. I have found strength and courage that I never knew I could muster up. I have gained a stronger relationship with God because when all else had failed me, He never did. I have people in my life that I would have never given a second glance at nor befriended them. So there are blessings in this curse.

Have I learned things the hard way? Most definitely. Mom says I always do things the hard way and boy is she right!! I take the long road to get to where I need to be.. So where am I now on my emotional roller coaster? I am on the way to a high peak. I have surrendered to the fact that I have to take a cocktail of medications everyday (it took years to find the right combo). I know that I have to attend therapy and medication assessments regularly. I also attend a group therapy. I have become stronger. I have eliminated the negativity out of my life. I set goals and I am reaching them. 

Can I do this alone? NO WAY!! I have a fantastic support system. My family is awesome, I have the relationships back that my disorder and I had destroyed (some of them are better than they ever were). I have some of the best close friends I could ever ask for. My church has been my rock and held me up when I thought I could no longer fight the fight. They taught me how to hold on and the power of prayer. I have many friends from my life group at Faith Assembly that words will never be able to express all they have done.Of course, my daughters give me reason to get up every day and to not give in. I have the best therapist I have ever had, she gives me the tough-love I need (even homework..lol). We set goals and she pushes me to reach them. I have been able to pour out my heart to her like no one else I have ever worked with. Lastly, One of the biggest blessings I have received from having bipolar is the chance to meet some of the most fantastic ladies that are in my group therapy. This small group of woman fast became my friends. It is so nice to be able to share things with people that can relate.. they have been there, done that, and have the t-shirt..lol Everyone can say they understand but you cant fully if you haven't experienced it.. these girls have watched me grow so much in my bipolar journey. they have been there every step of the way: cheering, supporting, crying, and sometimes scolding me. I am where I am today because of them.

Gosh, I didn't mean to write so much for my first post, I promise to be shorter from now on... But I do wnat to give you some thoughts on my title of my blog. My ex always put me down and discouraged me. He would say he was tired of riding the Bipolar Express. It would hurt when he said this. Trust me I would love to get off lots of times. However, now I think it is fitting. My life is a journey of ups and downs. Constant mood changes. Meds help but not always.. it takes allot of mind control. Poor decisions have made for many curves and slopes in the journey. So I decided to use that as the title. I may be on the Express but I can control whether it is a positive fun ride or one from Hell. Right now I am enjoying the ride. I will let you decide whether the Bipolar Express is a train (heading for a train wreck sometimes) or is it a fancy name for a roller coaster. I think the roller coater is more fitting because of the many ups, downs, slopes, turns, and even the occasional upside downs. SO where will my roller coaster lead me next? One thing is for sure... NEVER BACKWARDS!!